I dont think I have ever been as nervous in my life as I was. We were sitting in the Walmart parking lot as it was snowing like crazy. We were talking about me being depressed as I told her. I told her about a bunch of this like how I was little when my parents beat me with a belt because I was holding hands with another boy. They told me it was wrong and that that is not how I was raised. I told her after a half hour of building confidence to tell her. I have only come out to my good friend that I have known for 11 years. She was in shock but also was like that explains alot. As I sat there giving ann my life story about being a homosexual and the hardships about being gay and coming out and all of that goodness she looked into my eyes and told me she will suport me no matter what I do and who ever I love. I talked to her more as we sat in my truck freezing. For 16 years I have been hiding the fact that I am gay and now I have finally told someone. Someone I could trust and that was the key thing to it too. She understood me. I mean I am Bisexual and I explained my sex partners and just about everything else. I was like nervouse and also very excited. I have never told anybudy this in my life remember.
Now becides that tonight I have been feeling very down. I mean I normally feel down and not to my potential, but I will randomally get these mood strikes where I just want to curl up and cry. When I was talking to Ann I think I realised another factor that most likely raised my depression was me being in the closet. Basically I wear a mask, A mask of lies, I wear it to get the aproval of everyone I love and everyone I want to get aproval from. From 5:30AM to 10PM when I pass out I am wearing this mask. It is the thought of never being you. Of being my self it is like I am hiding myself behind all of this. Like I hide all day long and It has to get out somehow. I sit here thinking of everything I could change of my life. Maybe that is what is my problom. It just sucks to see everyone all happy because it is the holidays and having a great time. Couples holding hands kissing and hugging. I want to feel that way and I havent in a long time. and I dont think its fair.