depressedgayboy (depressedgayboy) wrote,

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Rail Road Tracks...

    Ok, perhaps the medication isnt that great. It has been making me feel amazing, there is just one side effect that i thought that wouldnt effect me. I mean i would always think about ending my life and all of that but when the doc said that if it increases that i should imideitly stop the medication. btw im taking provac. well im still debating whether to keep taking it or not. I mean i think its worsened. I feel happy. It was been forever so I dont want to stop it.  Ok let me explain myself...

    So one day i was driving my usual people to school and we randomly get stopped by a train. The gates close and the red light flash and the bells ring. Usual routine. There basically barricades to stop cars from running into the train. Well then the train come and its night so it has that huge brigh light and flys by, and is rumbling the pavement. I sat there and admired the force of the train as nothing could stop it at its speed. 

    Well I decided to no go to school that day and i got home and realised my dad was still home. so i was driving around my block waiting for him. Well down one of the dirt roads thoses same tracks ran from my school. same trains cruised by and every thing. but this time there was no barracade.

   So i drive up the hill on the track and sit there. I was sitting there for nearly an hour till i seen the bright light. of course by now its nearly bright out so you can see everything. The trains coming closer and closer. The i froze. I sat there and thought about my life. About me never having kids, me never having a wife, me never being satisfied as a "normal" person. I thought how hard it is going to be being gay.

    I was sitting in on the railroad tracks, the trains nearly  30 feet from crushing me alive, blowing its horn, and braking. then i snap out of like a trance. i was considering staying there and letting the train smash me. i took 3 secondes to realise. threw my pickup in reverse. and pulled back as soon as i could, the train was nearly 2 feet away from my bumper as my heart was racing. 

    So im sitting there still and thinking about it. i never have done anything like this. it just was diffrent. What do you guys think i should do? Anyways, theres been this boy ive been talking to online. i talk to him every night. he makes me happy. and my supporting best friend. its been pretty well. but im tired. leave me comments.

Tags: boy, death, suicide, train
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