I would have to start off with saying I regret I didnt post anything the entire month of December. To sum up calander events I had a good christmas, my birthday was Dec 20th, and it was virturally the worst month of my life. Let me go indepth.
Basically I started seeing my therepist and everytime I see him he asks me, "On a scale of one to ten, how depressed have you been feeling." The past few they have been 6 and below. But now that it is January, and after the worst month ever I can be 100% that my depression has strucken me to a 9 and sometiems a 10. I never wanted or knew that it could take control of me so much, It like is this evil thing living in my head, messing with my emotions and playing with my actions. The past month of December is the worst month. Ever.
It all started with my 17th birthday. My bestfriend stayed the night, and after a night of partying we woke up around 11. We sat around for a few hours as my family barley noticed it was my birthday until i stated the obious. Then after hearing their remourse I showered and headed up to the mall. Why we went there i still dont know. It was packed and we sat there talking. Then eventually i drove her home and i went home and sat in my room.
This is the night that started it all. It was like a spell, a virus i couldnt control that just brought me down. It was 12am, Dec 21st. I was feeling at an alltime low. I was lying in my bed thinking and just thought that frankly scared me went through my head. Then finally I decided to text my bestfriend. To my luck she was up. I snuck out and drove to her house as she snuck out as well. We drove to another neighborhood and parked. Finally after 3 minutes of sitting there she started talking. asking me questions. Finally I got enough courage to start to talk to her.
I started on about being gay. I started about how would I ever tell my parents. How would they accept me. They wouldnt. After being beat for "exploring" a male friend when i was 7, and being told that doing that is wrong and not normal. I explained that and how my parents are anti-homosexual. Then I went on that my parents and family were expecting children from me when i found a partner. And i do want kids but there lies a choice. Keep closeted and marry a woman, and have kids and be kept caged for my entire life. or come out, find a mr. perfect for me and get married, and live a fullfilling life together.
then she asked me why this was one of my worst night. then i told her that i was thinking about why am I existing. I was telling her that it would be som much easier if I would just end it. for the first time in 6 years of my like i had a tear roll down the side of my cheek. she had a long pause, and i could tell she started to cry. She told me that if I ever did that or did anything to hurt myself she wouldnt know what to do with her self. She told me that I was her everything and I didnt realise how I would be hurting everyone around me as much as I was hurting.
Then after we laughed at ourselves about crying and exchanged our love yous, we started talking about life. I realised that i am not going anywhere in my life. I have the credits of a sophmore, and am failing more and more at school. I realise that i do want to go to college, but i cant. I wont because i messed up. Seconde change, no theres no seconde change and now that I fucked up there is no turning back. I realised that I was a failure. She reassured me that I wasnt and it would all turn out but I knwo the truth.
Eventually around 3:30am I took her home, and I returned home and sat there thinking about what we just discussed and didnt sleep at all that night. Then for the past next days I as on winter break, so me and my bestfriend partied, mostly drank every evening. Its then i felt as if I was happy, till I realised that it wasnt me, it was the drinks that were putting me into my own little trance. Then I just drank more.
Then christmas happens. Everythings good I basically have to put on a happy face for the next 4 days as I visit relatives and oher family that is in state on holiday. I basically got everything I wanted for christmas. But I still was not happy. I finally came out to my older sister christmas eve. She was mostly in shock but carrys a good opinion about it. Seems the more people that I tell thebetter I feel.
Then two days after christmas it happened. My mom was gone. For atleast 18 hours. She comes home and decides its time for a "family meeting". She basically announced that shes going to be divorcing my father. At this moment I didnt know what to do. I looked at my older sister and she was just staring at the table. I looked at my parents as they werelooking down also. Its like I almost didnt know how to react. Thousands of emotions surges apon me as if I was a seawall holdling back the water. I looked at my little sister, and I will never forget the expression on her face as tears were floing out of her eyes. It was like a look of frustration and disapoitment. Then she looks at me and my heart drops to the floor and I couldnt hold my self back. I cried and felt horrible.
Then that night I snuck out to see my bestfriend again. I needed to talk once more. I got caught and was ordered to come home now. So I got home and went into their room as my mother was cryingfacing the wall on herbed and my dad was half asleep. She sat there and basically told me that I was on drugs, and I must of either got some girl inpregnated or am in trouble with someone. That I am a failure and that I will never succeed in life because I am a spoiled brat that gets everything handed to me. I sat there absorbing everything she had to say, and accepted it all. Everything she said was true about me. And for my own mother to express thoses to my face she was dead serious. Then I felt humiliated because it was all true. So then I left the room.
See in my family me and my two sisters were raised on a few principals. Newer is always better, and if it costs more its always better. And, Always show what you have, and make the jealous feel worse. And another, To express and disobey authoriey when you know you can get away with it. Thoese 3 things is like the guidlines, rules that I now live by. It's like a constant competition. And I think everyhing with my parents can relate to eachone. As they taught me to live like that, now they see it and dont like it.
Newyears came and i spent the whole midnight thing with my girlfriend. fireworks at the city and everything else. The messed up things is that she knows im gay. Then after her father was yelling at me through the house, and fighting with her mom I left. I went to my good friends house to drink and party. He was passed out buy other were still in motion. I drank and my ex girlfriend would not leave me alone.
Basically she volounteered us to go sleep in the living room. So we were out there and she was rubbing my back. The was rubing my croch and finally slipped her hand into my boxers. I pulled her hand out and told her that I had a girlfriend. She didnt care. finally after fighting her off i insisted on making out with her instead of anything else happening. Well that lead to me getting head. I was drunk.
We started school and I seriously wondered why I was wasting my time there. I could be working or something rather than being there. I dreaded it from first hour to the last. Finally it was over. We only had 2 days of school that week so it was already the weekend.
Friday night i went lasertagging and to the movies with a couple of my friends that are girls, and my buddy joey showed up with my bestfriend that my girlfriend very much hates and is extremly jealous of. She texts me and was like I love how you forgot to mention that she was going to be there. This basically started our fight. Saturdaynight I met up with this guy I met off the internet. He was amazing but older. After a remembreable night I came home around 5am and passed out.
Sunday night my girlfriend calls me and says we need to talk. We talked for a good 3 hour, and I finally told her I cheeted on her 3 times. She didnt seem to care till I made it up that the last time(sat) was with my bestfriend. Then she freaked out and broke up with me. So she has been starting shit at school. We broke up on our one month.
So basically this has been a bad month already. I seriously hate my life right now and i dont know how i make it through everyday but i manage.
This has been my past month, and why I have been misrible and everything else. I wake up alot wondering why i should even get up, and why am i still breathing. I wonder why iits that i am gay and not stright. why isnt it fair. I hate my life.
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