What is this life we live?|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Friday, September 5th, 2008|
|Live your life.
Hello friends, I am not writing to you out of depression or out of hatred, But I am writing to you from my heart. See what I mean.
As this summer started I assumed it as it was going to be another normal drunken closeted pointless summer that is just wasting away our good innocent lives. I am going to be a senior in High school this year. Finally as we all anticipated it for our three years of hell in school. All of the hazing and working just until this last year.
As always I imagine my high school year to be the best time of my life. Until I finally realized that I don't want it to be the best time of my life. I am going to be 18 in about 4 months and I only want it to be a chapter in my life. I hear my elders saying that High School is the best time of your life, and I have come to realize that if that is the best time of my life, I haven't live my life to it's fullest.
I am sure it is going to be a fun and exciting year among completion but like i said that I just want it to be a chapter. I am expecting a lot of more things that are memorable and exciting. I want to travel, and adopt children. I want to look back when I am in my 70's and and know that the best part of my life isn't just high school, but my life is what I was living.
This summer has made me realize a lot of this. Like I was saying before, I assumed it as a regular summer that my friends and I always have. But this summer has taught me a lot about my self. Kind of like a revolution. I kind of revived my self this summer and a few people can carry credit for it.
It is time for the story. Back in may I was going every other night onto craigslist and looking for the one night stand. The hook ups that just kept me to completion for 48 hours. Screw worrying about catching an STD or making mistakes that would be scared into me for as long as I can remember. If you don't know, I am a gay white male. So hook ups are easier that usual.
One night I get online, and was about to post a personal searching for the daily deed, and some random guy pops up and instant message on my screen. I had IMed him earlier that night, as I noticed he was playing GTA4. We got to talking and picture trading. I knew he was kind of older than I but at this point in my desperateness it did not matter how attractive he was or what age he was.
I get around to agreeing to meet him and we had decided on a Conney island in between our locations. We met, he was shorter than I expected, but I just was glad he was not a creep. We ventured out into the parking lot and decided to carry the night on. Later on our departures home we were talking to each other via text messaging. He said He really liked me. I agreed and we decided to meet another time.
At the time of this just a few close friends knew about my turn of life, and I was not proud of it what so ever. As me and Rod met more and more, we liked each other more and more. We ended up dating about a week or so later. (It was a lot of dates in between that week) Than the words, I love you were spoken out of him mouth. As the shock I was in I did not know what to say, but it back. I am sure I did not mean it at the moment, but he defiantly grew on me.
As our relationship grew I have decided to inform my parents on my decision and how certain I was. I came out to my parents and my father was more accepting at first than my mother. Than it grew on her and our relationship is greater than ever. I have come out to mostly everyone since than. In this summer I have traveled to New Jersey with my boyfriend, and spent as many nights with him as I could.
What I am trying to get by telling you all of this is that do not think of your life now as the supposed best time, but as the current time. Make a smile come out everyday and do not forget it. You never know when someone is watching. I have had one of the best summers of my life. And I expect better ones to come.
This summer has helped me realize how to be a happy person. How to accept who I am and how to deal with my depression and my life style. I feel as if I am able to take on life now, I can finish High School and I can live my life how I want to live it with out restrictions. I realized me being gay is just a small part of who I am, and It isn't a lifestyle, I look at it as a quality. I accept me. I am proud. I am supported by my love ones. And I know it.
If you can learn anything by reading this is that you can learn from my experiences that life will improve. Being gay, Being depressed, Or being anything that you think restricts you from enjoying life, you can over come it. Thats my closing statement and I hope you take it to heart.
I love you Rodney
|Monday, July 21st, 2008|
|Wednesday, May 28th, 2008|
|I am surviving
Sorry for not posting for over a month. I have been on good terms for my depression. I quit my medication a month ago and I serisouly think that it was making me feel worse. The weathers warm, and i think that has alot to do with my depression. Not everything dead like in the winter. Been feeling alright latley. My uncle died at 41 at the end of april. That was real real tough. I am out to many people now too. I dont go around parading that I am gay, just sit down and talk to people about it. It turns out that alot of my friends are supportive, I have lost a few good friends just because im gay, but I have decided that If they can not cope with the fact that i am atracted to the same sex then they dont need to be in my life. I do have a special someone in my life now. I met him clearly for a one night stand. I had no idea it would turn out anything like it has. He is amazing in everyway. It was only been a week and one day since we have been dating. I love him I really do. He makes me feel special. Like I am worth living in his eyes. He is my adorable little boy. When he holds me it just makes me feel invincible. I havent exactly told him about my depression mostly because I am ashamed of it, but I almost never have days like i used to. Although I havent seen my theripist in over 3 or 4 months, I do think about what he told me about my depression. Like how you cant take everything so hard because it will tare you down. And I do believe that now. My Life has been alright latley. My depresison lingures. But still there. Everyday I pray that I do not relapes back into it. It was the worst time of my life. I even thought of ending it there. Im very glad I havent or else I wouldnt be here today happyer then ever. Just remember guys, today might be the worst time ever. You may want to end it so bad. Seems the only way out. Believe me I have been there alot. Tomarro is a new day. New opportunities. New Begginings. Live life to its fullest. Live; Love; Be;
|Thursday, March 13th, 2008|
So I have been sitting here for a half hour deciding what I was going to write. Alot has been going on and i think that i am feeling worse than ever. It has been more of a thinking about who i am and what i am going to do with my life kind of thing. Let me explain.
I haven't gone to school for a full week in months. I am always skipping class and just dont want to be around people long enough so I just leave. I am dropping out tomarro. Basically I have been discussing this with my parents for weeks. It is my only alternative. Either I go to my districts dropout school, or I go to my high school for 5 years. I am not sure what it is but I just want to sit here. but i get bored with my self ALL the time. It doesnt make sense.
I have an IEP meeting tomarro at school(for thoses of you that dont know it is an annual meeting that the special ed teachers my parents and diffrent people from the district come and talk about my progress). Well there has been no progress. Last semester I failed my math class, and everyday the teacher would come to me and shake her head as i didnt do the homework. I loved that class my sophomore year. I had the highest grade. I was talking to my caseload teacher(one who looks over me) and she said that my math teacher was more disapointed in herself that she couldnt help me in troubled times and couldnt get me to pass her class. She knows me enough that it wasnt a perfessional level when we talked, but more a social. I really could talk to her about anything. I feel horible that she feels this way and i feel more disapointed in myself that i let her down.
Anyways Im having the meeting tomarro and i dont know if i could stand there while they potentialy tell my parents that i am a failure. I know i am i accepted it. Theres some teachers that i love, and when i go up to them tomarro and ask for them to sign my drop slip, i know its going to rip me apart inside. I feel like i just let them down. My 6th hour teacher is a great one. She talks to me about everything and still shows me hope. If there was a way I could completly avoid her and save the embarassment and heart crushing i would.
Isn't it funny how disapointing hurts alot more then someone being angry at you. I am not sure about any of you but if someone told me that they were disapointed in me and they expected alot more out of me, it tares me apart. I just want to go into a corner and cry. I know i am better then the way im acting, but i dont know what it is. Its like the life isnt in me anymore. I just feel hopeless, like a failure, and immature.
Then earlier today I was with two of my good friends. We went out to buffalo wild wings for lunch and were talking and what not. Havent seen one of them in a while. They know about me being on provac and everything. Which is weird considering i havent told neither on of them. We went to my guy friend house. We chilled there for about hour and a half, then his sister started to pick on him calling him immature and everything and everyone started yelling so we just left.
What got me was when I was driving one of my good friends home. We were talking about how we have grown up in the past year. Like think about it, when I was 15, a sophmore, I had everything in front of me. Seemed like forever that id graduate, and everything was so far away. Then once you turn 16, you get your license. Your car. A job. Then your a junior and realise that you have to take senior pictures this summer. It has gone by so fast without me even realising. It is like this is the last summer of my highschool. LAST. I started thinking that I should know soon what I want to do for the rest of my life. Yea the rest of my life. Big decision. I am 17, dropping out of highschool and going to an alternate education school. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I am going to be out of highschool in 12 months. I could just remember my earlier years that I wouldnt have to think about this stuff for a long time. Now its happening. Now is when all the decisions start.
I feel like I have just been sitting back. I have just sat here letting things go by and never grabbing things as they zoom past me. I realise that I did fuck up, i messed up big time. I hate to admit it but now I finally have to get my shit together. My father works 72+ hours a week, bring home a big paycheck, but is literly killing himself. Same with my mom. They go to work everyday just to make it in this life. I am just scared that i am going to end up doing the same. Since I was in the 4th grade my dads been telling me to do good in school. I will need it in the future. I didnt believe him(because i am hard headed) so now i realise. I think its too late.
Ok enough with me having self pitty on my life. The whole gay teen thing has been going good. Theres still this one boy i think about all the time. Never met him in person just online. I havent chated with him in over 2 weeks. But I would love to meet him. Last time we talked he called me gay. I got so angry and deffensive i said alot of stuff i shouldnt of. I dont want to be gay. Maybe I am. My so called bestfriend said that she thinks im gay. She said alls i talk about is men, and never woman. I do enjoy it with men. Actually alot. But i like girls too. Just not as much.
Theres this other kid I met online. He is 18, cute, and my type. I went out to him, and we talked alot, smoked a bowl. We talked about being with guys, and feeling as outcasts. It sucks when you do realise it. I mean i get along with everybudy, but that doesnt mean that I feel confortable with everyone. Anyways we went back to his house and went in his room. Well just say we messed around. One thing about him is he has a little abnormaity on his pole. But we wont talk about that.
So my bestfriend is ignoring me:(. Basically she puts her ex before me. This has happened before. Last time we stopped talking and as a good friend i am i went back to her when she needed me the most. But she said that she would NEVER date him again. He is horrible to her. He hits her, calls her fat, and plus hes fucking her and his girlfriend at the same time. She finally seen what he was doing and as of now is done talking to him. I dont see that lasting long. She just makes me so mad sometimes. When she told me that shed never date him again we were having one of thoses heart to hearts. You know where you talk about everything and you are so honest that you feel so much closer because you can tell them everything. Thats how it was.
I have another friend that is in juvy right now. She writes me everyweek. She knows about me being bisexual, and she accepts it. She says she is disapointed that i started smoking week and started rolling. It kills me when I read her letters because she always tells me that she knows I am better. She says that she is disapointed(told yea it kills me) and she knows i can do better.
On another note, Have you ever felt like you want to move away. You want to move to the other side of the country. My sister just left to go live in california again. And i want to go out there. And live. Start over. Start a new life. It has been a thought in my head and I just want to do it. Sure i would miss everything. My friends and my group. But i think that it would truely make me happy!
Ok I am finally done. I would love to thank all of you that have been commenting my posts. That one night I was feeling VERY down and needed support. I really do apreciate it. Everytime i feel low i go on here and read all the comments. realising that people care. I think about everyone of you, and how you dont even know me, and yet care so much. I feel in debt to you for being a good stranger friend to me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So yea, leave your support and advice. Thanks all
|Monday, February 25th, 2008|
|Rail Road Tracks...
Ok, perhaps the medication isnt that great. It has been making me feel amazing, there is just one side effect that i thought that wouldnt effect me. I mean i would always think about ending my life and all of that but when the doc said that if it increases that i should imideitly stop the medication. btw im taking provac. well im still debating whether to keep taking it or not. I mean i think its worsened. I feel happy. It was been forever so I dont want to stop it. Ok let me explain myself...
So one day i was driving my usual people to school and we randomly get stopped by a train. The gates close and the red light flash and the bells ring. Usual routine. There basically barricades to stop cars from running into the train. Well then the train come and its night so it has that huge brigh light and flys by, and is rumbling the pavement. I sat there and admired the force of the train as nothing could stop it at its speed.
Well I decided to no go to school that day and i got home and realised my dad was still home. so i was driving around my block waiting for him. Well down one of the dirt roads thoses same tracks ran from my school. same trains cruised by and every thing. but this time there was no barracade.
So i drive up the hill on the track and sit there. I was sitting there for nearly an hour till i seen the bright light. of course by now its nearly bright out so you can see everything. The trains coming closer and closer. The i froze. I sat there and thought about my life. About me never having kids, me never having a wife, me never being satisfied as a "normal" person. I thought how hard it is going to be being gay.
I was sitting in on the railroad tracks, the trains nearly 30 feet from crushing me alive, blowing its horn, and braking. then i snap out of like a trance. i was considering staying there and letting the train smash me. i took 3 secondes to realise. threw my pickup in reverse. and pulled back as soon as i could, the train was nearly 2 feet away from my bumper as my heart was racing.
So im sitting there still and thinking about it. i never have done anything like this. it just was diffrent. What do you guys think i should do? Anyways, theres been this boy ive been talking to online. i talk to him every night. he makes me happy. and my supporting best friend. its been pretty well. but im tired. leave me comments.
|Tuesday, February 19th, 2008|
^This video is what makes people think gays are nothing but girly cock cravers. But its funny!^
First off i know its been nearly a month since my last post but ive been super super busy. Basically its been basic things like school work and everything else. Im finaly going to school again!!! I started my medication of prozac a month ago and i am telling you it has changed the world for me. Now i have million time energy and I am not down what so ever. I am more active and i love being with my friends. Just some sideeffects of the meds are like random mood swings. Kind of weird, But yea the depression thing is finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel if you know!!!
Ok new subject. Just yesterday im sitting on my computer about to sign off AIM because there was no one on and i was bored as fuck. Well I get an IM from on of my screen names that i have not used in like 4 years, and i usually used it for gay boys. Do he IM's me and was like who is this. I told him and he told me who he was. Asked him what highschool he went to and it was like a half hr away. So i keep talking to him and finally i was like whats your myspace. He told me and im looking through it and he is amazingly cute.same age and everything. then his stats says swinger. well i didnt know what that ment i thought it was like he swings both ways.(let me tell you it doesnt it means they swing from multible partners) so i was like your a swinger. he goes yea i guess. i was like whats your sexual orientation. ricght away he goes striaght. then he goes well i really dont consider myself any of the 4. I was like so your not stright. he goes no. So then we talked newrly 4 hours on AIM non stop about our bestfriends and urges and being bisexual to this depression thing all the way of everything it was crazy. i felt like i knew him yet its only been 4 hours. he kept saying he had thingsd he had to do but hed rather stay online and talk to me. But yea its amazing finding someone to relate to. even if there across the country.
Thats all today folks
DGB Current Mood: curious
|Friday, January 11th, 2008|
|Far Far Away...
...And Remember, Homosexuality is a Choice, Like Cancer!
Watch the Video. Its funny and informative.
First off i would like to thank all of you that support and comment me. Thanks guys, you really make my dayes alot easier.
Ok, new story. Monday morning before school I was fighting with my mom. I dont remember what about, but she was like, "You ungratful little bastard," and i called her an upper-class snob that buys her feelings. Then she told me that she was going to send me away. Well I stormed out, and went to school. When I returned she got off the phone with a private boarding school in Mass. I thought she was kidding! Aparently they can't accept me in the begging of the semester, so next year would be it. Then i got pissed. It would be my senior year in high school. and she was going to send me away to a diffrent state, an all boys school, and a boarding school. I wouldnt be accepted in a republican area such as the south.
She later then told me I can take one of five options. 1) I could drop out, stay home, and attend our districts "second chance" school. 2)I could move out to California with my older sister and go to a private day school out there. 3)I could go to the sportly enhanced boarding school in Mass. 4) I could go to a boarding school in North California, and spent an entire year up there. 5) I could go to a private "artsie" boarding school in the middle of california.
Instantly I was pissed, but the i came to thinking. I always wanted to experience something like this, and plus I could move far far away where i can start over where no one knows me. So now I am towrn between the two. Its my senior year. I have like 9months to think about it. Once i graduate from where ever, i really want to move to London. Hm, that would be amazing.
So tops on the depression. Extremly bad. I have fallen into my back roots. I always sleep. I drink monsters to keep me awake. I am 100% failing school again. I dont go anywhere. And my moods have been horrible. :(
News for me. My grandfather in Indiana just had a heart-attack. He is having open heart surgery monday, so I will be on holiday till tues night. Leave me lots of comments.
DGB Current Mood: depressed
|Monday, January 7th, 2008|
|Wow the entire month of December is a blur
I would have to start off with saying I regret I didnt post anything the entire month of December. To sum up calander events I had a good christmas, my birthday was Dec 20th, and it was virturally the worst month of my life. Let me go indepth.
Basically I started seeing my therepist and everytime I see him he asks me, "On a scale of one to ten, how depressed have you been feeling." The past few they have been 6 and below. But now that it is January, and after the worst month ever I can be 100% that my depression has strucken me to a 9 and sometiems a 10. I never wanted or knew that it could take control of me so much, It like is this evil thing living in my head, messing with my emotions and playing with my actions. The past month of December is the worst month. Ever.
It all started with my 17th birthday. My bestfriend stayed the night, and after a night of partying we woke up around 11. We sat around for a few hours as my family barley noticed it was my birthday until i stated the obious. Then after hearing their remourse I showered and headed up to the mall. Why we went there i still dont know. It was packed and we sat there talking. Then eventually i drove her home and i went home and sat in my room.
This is the night that started it all. It was like a spell, a virus i couldnt control that just brought me down. It was 12am, Dec 21st. I was feeling at an alltime low. I was lying in my bed thinking and just thought that frankly scared me went through my head. Then finally I decided to text my bestfriend. To my luck she was up. I snuck out and drove to her house as she snuck out as well. We drove to another neighborhood and parked. Finally after 3 minutes of sitting there she started talking. asking me questions. Finally I got enough courage to start to talk to her.
I started on about being gay. I started about how would I ever tell my parents. How would they accept me. They wouldnt. After being beat for "exploring" a male friend when i was 7, and being told that doing that is wrong and not normal. I explained that and how my parents are anti-homosexual. Then I went on that my parents and family were expecting children from me when i found a partner. And i do want kids but there lies a choice. Keep closeted and marry a woman, and have kids and be kept caged for my entire life. or come out, find a mr. perfect for me and get married, and live a fullfilling life together.
then she asked me why this was one of my worst night. then i told her that i was thinking about why am I existing. I was telling her that it would be som much easier if I would just end it. for the first time in 6 years of my like i had a tear roll down the side of my cheek. she had a long pause, and i could tell she started to cry. She told me that if I ever did that or did anything to hurt myself she wouldnt know what to do with her self. She told me that I was her everything and I didnt realise how I would be hurting everyone around me as much as I was hurting.
Then after we laughed at ourselves about crying and exchanged our love yous, we started talking about life. I realised that i am not going anywhere in my life. I have the credits of a sophmore, and am failing more and more at school. I realise that i do want to go to college, but i cant. I wont because i messed up. Seconde change, no theres no seconde change and now that I fucked up there is no turning back. I realised that I was a failure. She reassured me that I wasnt and it would all turn out but I knwo the truth.
Eventually around 3:30am I took her home, and I returned home and sat there thinking about what we just discussed and didnt sleep at all that night. Then for the past next days I as on winter break, so me and my bestfriend partied, mostly drank every evening. Its then i felt as if I was happy, till I realised that it wasnt me, it was the drinks that were putting me into my own little trance. Then I just drank more.
Then christmas happens. Everythings good I basically have to put on a happy face for the next 4 days as I visit relatives and oher family that is in state on holiday. I basically got everything I wanted for christmas. But I still was not happy. I finally came out to my older sister christmas eve. She was mostly in shock but carrys a good opinion about it. Seems the more people that I tell thebetter I feel.
Then two days after christmas it happened. My mom was gone. For atleast 18 hours. She comes home and decides its time for a "family meeting". She basically announced that shes going to be divorcing my father. At this moment I didnt know what to do. I looked at my older sister and she was just staring at the table. I looked at my parents as they werelooking down also. Its like I almost didnt know how to react. Thousands of emotions surges apon me as if I was a seawall holdling back the water. I looked at my little sister, and I will never forget the expression on her face as tears were floing out of her eyes. It was like a look of frustration and disapoitment. Then she looks at me and my heart drops to the floor and I couldnt hold my self back. I cried and felt horrible.
Then that night I snuck out to see my bestfriend again. I needed to talk once more. I got caught and was ordered to come home now. So I got home and went into their room as my mother was cryingfacing the wall on herbed and my dad was half asleep. She sat there and basically told me that I was on drugs, and I must of either got some girl inpregnated or am in trouble with someone. That I am a failure and that I will never succeed in life because I am a spoiled brat that gets everything handed to me. I sat there absorbing everything she had to say, and accepted it all. Everything she said was true about me. And for my own mother to express thoses to my face she was dead serious. Then I felt humiliated because it was all true. So then I left the room.
See in my family me and my two sisters were raised on a few principals. Newer is always better, and if it costs more its always better. And, Always show what you have, and make the jealous feel worse. And another, To express and disobey authoriey when you know you can get away with it. Thoese 3 things is like the guidlines, rules that I now live by. It's like a constant competition. And I think everyhing with my parents can relate to eachone. As they taught me to live like that, now they see it and dont like it.
Newyears came and i spent the whole midnight thing with my girlfriend. fireworks at the city and everything else. The messed up things is that she knows im gay. Then after her father was yelling at me through the house, and fighting with her mom I left. I went to my good friends house to drink and party. He was passed out buy other were still in motion. I drank and my ex girlfriend would not leave me alone.
Basically she volounteered us to go sleep in the living room. So we were out there and she was rubbing my back. The was rubing my croch and finally slipped her hand into my boxers. I pulled her hand out and told her that I had a girlfriend. She didnt care. finally after fighting her off i insisted on making out with her instead of anything else happening. Well that lead to me getting head. I was drunk.
We started school and I seriously wondered why I was wasting my time there. I could be working or something rather than being there. I dreaded it from first hour to the last. Finally it was over. We only had 2 days of school that week so it was already the weekend.
Friday night i went lasertagging and to the movies with a couple of my friends that are girls, and my buddy joey showed up with my bestfriend that my girlfriend very much hates and is extremly jealous of. She texts me and was like I love how you forgot to mention that she was going to be there. This basically started our fight. Saturdaynight I met up with this guy I met off the internet. He was amazing but older. After a remembreable night I came home around 5am and passed out.
Sunday night my girlfriend calls me and says we need to talk. We talked for a good 3 hour, and I finally told her I cheeted on her 3 times. She didnt seem to care till I made it up that the last time(sat) was with my bestfriend. Then she freaked out and broke up with me. So she has been starting shit at school. We broke up on our one month.
So basically this has been a bad month already. I seriously hate my life right now and i dont know how i make it through everyday but i manage.
This has been my past month, and why I have been misrible and everything else. I wake up alot wondering why i should even get up, and why am i still breathing. I wonder why iits that i am gay and not stright. why isnt it fair. I hate my life.
Feel free to comment or email me, email@example.com
DGB Current Mood: Depressed x10
|Wednesday, November 28th, 2007|
|Today was rough...
I woke up dismorning and layed there. I woke up at 3am and didnt have to wake up for another 3 hours. I sat there thinking of how pethetic I was. wasting away. I thought about how I hated my life. How all my friends and everyone else is now a blur. Everyone I have ever gotten close to is now going away thanks to me not wanting to be with them. I started to cry as I though about me being bisexual. How I was nothing but under my parents expectations. Of course they dont know tears me apart. I wear a mask everyday. Everyday I pretend to be. To be me. Why I am this way I sobbed away asking nobuddy. because I was alone. Like always.
Then my dad finally came in my room to "wake me up" and after lying there for another ten minutes I got up and went in the shower. I sat there letting the hot water run down my big body. The I sat down. I sat there thinking again. Thinking about not going to school. I was in the shower for nearly an hour, then I got out. I was probly 45 minutes late for fisrt hour. Shit who cared. I finally got to school around 8 and went to my second hour. I was in there for probly 3 minutes after the bell when I got called down to the office by my most hated assistant principal.
I waited 15 more minutes. He finally gets the balls to call me in and was like your on the verge of being put on truency and having your credits taken away from you this semester. I was so fucking ferious. Before I could say anything he started dialing the numbers and was calling my mom. He made sure to put it on speaker phone so I could hear her response. He told me that one. He told her that and she sounded as if she wanted to cry. then she explained to him while off speakerphone that I was depressed. I was even more enraged. I dont know if I was more mad at her for telling him or more mad at him for being a dick. I stormed out of his office to my second hour.
The rest of the day at school was real shitty. I was getting text messeges all day from my mom and dad about disapoitment. thenmy dads was like when you get off of school I will be home to "talk" to you. My mom drives a semi truck so shes onlyhome on the weekends. So I get home and sure enough he was there.
After getting my alone he took me to his truck and we went to the bank and to a little hole in the wall reasturaunt to talk. on the way he was sure to include the talk about missing school. We arrived to the place and got a table. I attempted explaining to him how I was depressed and how it was effecting me. I was pissed because almost everything I said had a smartass comment attatched to the end of his thanks to him or him shaking his head in disapoitment.
I got home at 5 and sat in my room till now. I sat here thinking about the people that make me feel better. Right now I have 2 people that i want to be with. Chuck and Jessica. I love them. See its when you know your depressed when yoyou dont enjoy sex or time with them anymore. This depression is ripping me apart alive. and I dont like it. But I like being alone now. I just want to be alone. Is that good?
And I think everyone should watch the video on opression. Current Mood: Its like I'm not even here
|Monday, November 26th, 2007|
|I cant believe my mother
So today was an average tiring day. I woke up and barley made it through the morning process with out passing out. Went to school for my 7.5 hours and went tanning. The on my way home I decided that i had enough balls to call up my mom and tell her that I was depressed. so sat there and was like you just need to snap out of it. no medication will take care of it. she said she has been battling it for years. I was like maybe mother if you would take the medicine that you wouldnt have to battle it. after me getting angry and yelling at her she goes what are you oging to go and kill your self now. I froze and was like what did you say to me. she was like your depressed right. I was like yea but that doesnt automatically mean that I am suicidal. I was so mad. then I went to work and was bored out of my mind. come home and found out that my mom told my dad. hes like did you want me to make you perogies to make you feel better. like that would solve it all dad, just I was mad she told him before I even had the chance. and during work she was texting me and was like i dont want to loose me little boy. and was like do i have to quite my job and be with you all the time to watch you. i was like what the fuck. she pisses me off so much. ok but tomarro im going to the doctors to see what she says. fun fun. nite ntie all Current Mood: tired
|Coming out to my Bestfriend
I dont think I have ever been as nervous in my life as I was. We were sitting in the Walmart parking lot as it was snowing like crazy. We were talking about me being depressed as I told her. I told her about a bunch of this like how I was little when my parents beat me with a belt because I was holding hands with another boy. They told me it was wrong and that that is not how I was raised. I told her after a half hour of building confidence to tell her. I have only come out to my good friend that I have known for 11 years. She was in shock but also was like that explains alot. As I sat there giving ann my life story about being a homosexual and the hardships about being gay and coming out and all of that goodness she looked into my eyes and told me she will suport me no matter what I do and who ever I love. I talked to her more as we sat in my truck freezing. For 16 years I have been hiding the fact that I am gay and now I have finally told someone. Someone I could trust and that was the key thing to it too. She understood me. I mean I am Bisexual and I explained my sex partners and just about everything else. I was like nervouse and also very excited. I have never told anybudy this in my life remember.
Now becides that tonight I have been feeling very down. I mean I normally feel down and not to my potential, but I will randomally get these mood strikes where I just want to curl up and cry. When I was talking to Ann I think I realised another factor that most likely raised my depression was me being in the closet. Basically I wear a mask, A mask of lies, I wear it to get the aproval of everyone I love and everyone I want to get aproval from. From 5:30AM to 10PM when I pass out I am wearing this mask. It is the thought of never being you. Of being my self it is like I am hiding myself behind all of this. Like I hide all day long and It has to get out somehow. I sit here thinking of everything I could change of my life. Maybe that is what is my problom. It just sucks to see everyone all happy because it is the holidays and having a great time. Couples holding hands kissing and hugging. I want to feel that way and I havent in a long time. and I dont think its fair.
DGB Current Mood: confused
|To Start Off
So Basically It all goes like this...
I will start with this first post to elaborate on this whole concept. I am a closeted to most, but out to some bisexual white male. Age 16, weight 260ish lbs. I am generally good looking as I have been told my friends and random people. I live in the Midwest of the United States. I live in the suburbs and my parents are average working people and I have two sisters. One older and one younger. I am going to try to keep these journals as professional as possible. The twist on this whole fiasco is that I am Depressed. I was dignosed 4 days from this date. Basically my doctor is going to analyze me some more and see if thats the deal. I have been feeling down for the past 6 months or so and frankly I am tired of it. I am not suicidal nor harming myself. As of this post I am single. In these postings I will explain my days. Explain my heartaches, emotions, strengths, basically my day from my aspect.I hope you enjoy, as this is my life. My life through my eyes to yours....
O yes before I forget, If you have anything private or personal to share with me that you do not want seen in the comments please feel free to email me at DGB1990@gmail.com. Thanks Current Mood: blah
**Note that I am a Junior in High School but I lack alot of skills in Spelling and Gramer. Dont Hate.